Confession: In 8th grade, my BFFs formed a Spice Girls tribute band. This brilliant slumber-party idea was born immediately before voluntarily “sleeping” in a tent in Lindsay’s backyard, whereupon her clinically insane neighbor threatened to shoot us if we didn’t shut up (true story).
We claimed we hated the Spice Girls and that our music videos (lost forever) and costumes (photographically preserved) simply mocked the fab five, but I think we secretly loved them. At least I did. In the junior high incarnation, I lovingly emulated Sporty Spice, mastering her trademark karate kicks while lip-synching “2 Become 1.” Ten years later, when the13-year-old girl inside of me discovered the beloved Girls were getting back together for a reunion tour, 23-year-old me audibly shrieked with delight and immediately decided that seeing them lip-synch live was not optional.
On February 15, 2008, my tween dreams came true when I breathed the same air as Lady Beckham & Co. Along with thousands of other regressing twentysomethings and their main gays, the dragtastic histrionics and fake friendship were ours to behold! Alas, the tour was doomed to implode (please…there’s no way Posh would share the limelight for long), but thankfully, I was privileged to scream myself hoarse, sing and dance in my nosebleed seat with the Spice Girls!
After I spiced up my life (all you need is positivity!) (ha ka!), I had to watch Spice World, which I own on VHS, natch. Spice World should not be a funny film, but against all logic, it is hilarious. Whether you deem it a guilty pleasure, an unappreciated masterpiece, or--simply in a word--craptastic, Spice World is awesome. What other movie has a high-speed boat chase, a bomb on a bus, aliens, and Alan Cumming as a documentary filmmaker?! Hijinks galore! Never-before-seen concert footage! Wonderful!
To reminisce further, and since they claim to be older and wiser (psshaw!), let’s see how much our timeless ladies of high camp have changed since they pounced around London in a giant, Union Jack emblazoned bus (driven by Meatloaf!).
Posh (aka Victoria Adams/Beckham):
Easy V doesn’t come for free (she’s a real lady!)
Spice World Posh: Snobby, monochromatic wardrobe, hates getting wet (after a motorboating adventure gone awry, she is forced to take a dip in the Thames), can’t sing, can’t dance, refuses to take part in Spice Bootcamp, but heroically drives the Spice Bus (with a bomb on it!) across London so they can make it to the show on time. The lady is a vamp!
Spice Reunion Posh: Pretty much the same, albeit tanner, skinnier and boobier. Married to pretty boy David Beckham, half-assed the show and no one minded, strutted a runway in lieu of a solo so fiercely that somewhere Tyra Banks is weeping.
Best Spice World line: “It must be so hard for you, Victoria. I mean, having to decide whether to wear the little Gucci dress, the little Gucci dress, or... the little Gucci dress!” –Sporty, about Posh
“I had a nightmare too! I had a face but there was no makeup on it!” --Posh
Scary (aka Melanie Brown):
She slams your body ‘round and winds it all around!
Spice World Scary: Very loud, big hair, big costumes (leopard spotted body suit in one scene, astronaut jacket in the next), roars
Spice Tour Scary: Voluntarily slept with Eddie Murphy, which makes me think her judgment is…off. Definitely mellowed out a bit, still had a penchant for animal prints and being outrageous, even simulating a blowjob on a back-up dancer. As you do.
Best Spice World line: Any time she says “baby” in her Leeds accent, “beh-beh.”
Sporty (aka Melanie Chisholm):
Heyah!
Spice World Sporty: Plain. Sporty. Good voice. English teeth. You can’t understand one word that comes out of Sporty’s mouth in the film, due to her thick accent. Seriously. I have no idea what she says in the movie (save the line about Posh’s wardrobe) but she wears workout clothes the whole time and rides an exercise bike in the giant tour bus.
Spice Tour Sporty: Nice bangs, classier outfits, but I get the impression that she’s the least popular girl, like they just put up with her because she has the best voice. Behind the scenes story: During the performance of “Mama” all the girls brought their babies on the stage; very sweet, very Beckhamy. But poor Sporty, she has no babies, and so she resigned herself to jumping and spinning around in the corner. Do you think she ever wanted to wear a dress but the other girls were like, “No, luv, you wear pants. You like it! You’re sporty, a one-note character!”
Best Spice World line: I have no idea. Unintelligible.
Ginger (aka Geri Halliwell):
Girl Power!
Spice World Ginger: Drag queen hair, drag queen outfits. And then there’s that ubiquitous Union Jack dress. She posed topless, had a failed solo career, rumor is she broke up the Spice Girls by leaving the group. Ginger, we might have bad blood between us if it wasn’t for how classy you turned out…
Spice Tour Ginger: Tres chic, strawberry blonde hair, performing sans trousers, not ashamed to reinvent the Union Jack dress. Very mellowed out and dare I say it? Lovely.
Best Spice World line:
[Geri and Mel B are playing chess on the Spice Bus]
Ginger Spice: Check!
Scary Spice: What d'you mean, "check"?
Ginger Spice: I mean, check; my bishop's got your king.
Scary Spice: Where?
Ginger Spice: There! You've either got to move it in front, or move it out of the way.
Scary Spice: Well I'll move that fairground horse to there. Sort that out!
Ginger Spice: You can't do that!
Scary Spice: Sez who?
Ginger Spice: Says Mr. Chess! It's been in the rules for thousands of years!
Scary Spice: Well I'm gonna break the rules and set this little fairground horse free amongst all these little square fields, like that. There!
Ginger Spice: I'm gonna slap you in a minute!
Baby (aka Emma Bunton):
Em in the place who likes it in your face!
Spice World Baby: Plays up the Baby-persona, constantly with a lolly in her mouth, smiles her ways out of scrapes, likes stuffed animals
Spice Tour Baby: Still cute, but more mature. Really liked her solo where she channeled sixties mod. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if she still dressed up in the platform shoes and pigtails.
Best Spice World lines (she gets two!):
“Yeah fun, you know like, HAHAHAHAHA-HA?!”
And when Posh is emulating Baby during a mock photo shoot: “My mummy’s my best friend…shhh!”
So, which is better, Old Spice or New Spice? 4-inch platforms or 4-inch heels? Baby Spice or Spice Babies? Melodrama and fighting or… melodrama and fighting? (Hey, some things don’t change.) Maybe the right question isn’t which is better, but is one better? Spice Girls circa 1998 were exactly what thirteen-year-old me needed: loud, brash, and deliciously drag-queenish. Spice Girls 2.0, however, appeal to my 23-year-old tastes: classy curls and more sophisticated outfits, still balanced with a generous dash of camp. However, that 13-year-old inside of me will always enjoy another viewing of the “Wannabe” video. Zig-a-zig-ah!
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